Time awake in the silent night, rocking, rocking, soothing, nursing, rocking for hours,
it yields much time for thought,
and my writer self has been mulling
seeking to ravel the truth thread
stringing memories and journey and struggle and growth
to find meaning.
I longed and planned from childhood to stay home with my babies.
and so, I was teacher by day, mama by night.
trusting her Lord to make meaning of a life
though threatened, though seemingly abandoned.
despite her longing,
what faith it took to choose what was best over what was good,
earrings dangling, mascara running
and I would sing to her
Ellie meaning light,
“This little light of mine”
and slowly it became a prayer,
simply managing the melody would be the extent of my plea,
“Let her shine, Lord,
despite my longing to keep her safe,
You are her protector
Let her shine, Lord,
though I yearn to hold, tend, to care,
You are her provider.For a brand new mother, this routine began to shed new light on my mommy role,
my mother calling.
Not just to birth and hold,
but in love
whose name is full of knighted legends,
holding meaning of battle and noise
he became part of our story,
part of the packing, the kissing, the drop-off
and once again,
I would sing the meaning of his name to him on our daily drive,
“I’m in the Lord’s army…”
Tristan, you’re in the Lord’s army.
Make him strong, Lord, strong in your might alone.
Ephesians 6:10And as sand grain years began to trickle a bit quicker,
toddlerhood and the struggle, childhood and the frustration
new stages of motherhood began to set in,
a new career path, a new routine, or lack thereof
and once again I found myself,
in exchange for
A woman may plan her way, but the Lord directs her steps.
So totally type A,
each planned day of mothering, I find myself redirected each moment.Then there was Judah,
the boy we bless the Lord for
the man we pray praises the Lord
May he bless the Lord at all times, may his praise be always on his lips.
Psalm 31:1And now Lucy,
another name meaning light
I love that she and her sister share this meaning,
Let her light shine so that men may see her good works and glorify you.
it’s been through the tears and the prayers and the failures and the triumphs, that my own personal mothering mission has been solidified.
Through the journey,
because of the journey,
through the painful frustrations,
because of the long days,
He’s directed my path,
I’ve come to the realization
in my few beginning years of being mommy
that the meaning of motherhood has little to do with where our daily footsteps land,
because little feet follow our heart.
And regardless of our stay-at-home, work-at-home, work-from-home or full-time, part-time, all-time
we are loved by a God
who works all things for good
and is the Establisher
of all lasting meaning.
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